Arty & Co
by SmartieBlondie
Summary: One shots on the lives of Artemis Fowl and company, along with the poor souls that encounter them.
1. Angeline Isn't A Nun

Angeline knew her son wasn't exactly the definition of normal. She knew perfectly well, when she was going to have a child with Artemis Fowl Senior that she wouldn't have a normal child.

But this was a little too much.

Most mothers walk in on a undescribably dirty doom with laundry crawling across the floors or maybe a secret relationship with someone that your hadn't been aware of. Luckily she didn't have to deal with that but unluckily...

She knew her little Arty wouldn't grow up with a messy room and a secret girlfriend who's also the daughter of a high up Mafia Boss but honestly, she wasn't prepared for this.

Mother Teresa would be pulling her hair out by kindergarten.

Despite what she knew of parenting and despite the protection she had against being surprised, nothing, _absolutely nothing_, could have prepared her for _this_.

Nothing could have prepared her for a situation in wich she would come in to her sons room only to find he was conversing with a ring and was yelling about foals, computer technology, mistletoe-no _holly_, and trouble.

Her son turned to her and she put a hand on her hips, waiting for an explanation as to why he was talking into his ring.

"I am terribly sorry Mothe-Mom. Foaly and I were having a discussion on Quantum Physics and it seems I had immersed myself in the conversation a tad bit too much. Please forgive me. Is there anything else you need?" He asked smoothly. Angeline couldn't help but notice he was a perfect clone of his father at that moment. Almost everything in place, other than his eyes.

"Nevermind Arty. Please, go back to speaking with mythological tech nerds and police officers through your ring. I'm terribly sorry I interrupted you." She replied and she turned away to go help Juliet with dinner, ignoring her sons scowl.

Yes, Mother Teresa would have exploded by now.

Luckily, Angeline Fowl was not Mother Teresa.


	2. Phsycho Babbler No11

**Ello! As the title of this story states this will, in fact, he a two part chapter. Sorry it's not up yet.**

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><p>Artemis sighed.<p>

This was the eleventh psychologist.

Dr. Roberts, Dr. Phillips, Dr. McCartney, Dr. Lawrence, Dr. 'George', Dr. MacDonald, Dr. Sherwood, Dr. Saints, Dr. J. Argon, Dr. Poe... And now this one.

Dr. Hayley Scott.

Artemis had hacked into the schools files and found out a lot about this man.

This encounter would be entertaining indeed.

Although, he couldn't help but look back at the history he had with these so called 'professionals'.

Dr. Roberts he remembered, was a rather incompetent fellow. At least in Artemis Fowl the Seconds opinion. Which of course was a opinion you would do well to listen too And take into account.

The man claimed to have dealt with many young genii and yet, when attempting to convince an nine year old Artemis that Artemis Fowl the Second was not in fact a master at everything he touched, Dr. Roberts had a mental breakdown in front if the boys eyes.

Oh the irony. Thought Artemis, chuckling as he sat in the leather chair of the new Psychiatrists office.

Dr. Emily Phillips.

Sweet Frond, she was annoying.

She had decided automatically that all that Artemis needed was, quote, 'love, friendship, and fun. That will bring joy and make a full circle!' unquote.

Artemis had proceeded to ask her a rather easy question about circles that she could not answer.

Then he proceeded to do as the quack asked and smiled.

Poor Emily... She should have known not to make Artemis Fowl the Second smile.

Where was she now...?

'_Ah, that's right,_' Thought Artemis. '_Houston Home for the Mentally Disturbed._'

That was it.

Now Dr. McCartney had something in common with all the others before and after him. He had a problem in his 'teachings', a hole if you will, and Artemis had proceeded to make said metaphorical hole his tool.

He believed that Artemis was in the same level of intellect as his peers and had decided to 'observe' one of his classes to prove his theory correct.

It was History class.

A bully named Thomas-who was rather new to the school- had not yet learned to heed warnings about the young Fowl heir and had attempted to bully Artemis into giving him fifty dollars for a new jacket.

With the help of Artemis' intellect and Butlers size he was off like a shot. In three seconds.

McCartney had simply brushed it off and asked the Eurasian manservant to leave the room for class to start, saying that Butler was why the other children were so intimidated. Partly true but still wrong.

The doctor had a perfect view of Artemis making a teacher cry in the time of fifteen minutes.

Not his best, but Artemis wasn't trying.

At that point the doctor had been a tad intimidated.

And then Artemis had proceeded to talk about how his father had died and if the young Phsyciatrist were to keep pressing the topic he would know what Artemis had gone through.

The rest went the same.

They encountered Artemis Fowl the Second.

In fact, he was the best the young criminal had seen personally as of yet when it came to the field of phycology.

Not including himself of course. Or his multiple aliases.

Nonetheless the man had managed to go one month before slamming down a file and walking out if the school forever, leaving behind his fake chair, which Artemis remembered taunting him about Then first session.

He wondered what this man would be like.

Demanding?

Impatient?

Reliant on teachings of criminals who had intentions 'to cleanse the world' by killing all who were different? Oh, the Witch Burnings of the 1800s.

Who knows?

Well... Artemis would soon.

Just then the door opened and in strolled Hayley A. Scott.

A man of forty three years of age he had chocolate brown hair in no particular style other than 'un-professional', wore jeans and a white long sleeve shirt with a black vest and matching tie along with dress shoes.

Ahh... That's the type if person.

Artemis sighed.

Hereye, here ye, come watch as Artemis Fowl gets questioned on his 'feelings'! Artemis thought, smirking slightly.

Hayley sat down and smiled, putting the clipboard he was holding in his lap.

"So Artemis, I have heard you haven't any friends? How do you feel about that?"

Artemis scoffed internally but on the outside he gathered fake tears in his eyes and made himself look slightly smaller.

"I-It's just that t-they p-p-pick on me for b-being different and I-I just can't help it and-..." Artemis trailed off, looking like he was trying to collect himself.

The quack in front of him grinned like he found gold treasure.

You see, in the phycology world, many knew of Artemis Fowl the Second. And if he managed to break through...

"Really?"

Artemis sat up straight with his hands neatly folds and said, "Of course not. I simply dislike my 'peers' and even if I were to attempt to interact with the buffoons I would make them scratch their heads as if looking for fleas during in the first introduction."

Hayley sighed, but dropped the subject for now. "Why don't we talk about your eyes? Rather peculiar. If I am correct you had two blue and now they are of different colours I see."

"I suppose you do, unless you are truly more blind than I thought. What of my eye colour?"

"Any idea how it changed?"

"No. Not a theory nor a clue."

"Indeed?"

"Yes indeed. In fact I don't even have an inkling. I know exactly how it happened and I am not about to tell the likes of you."

Thirty minutes later Dr. Scott was-amazingly- still sane and Artemis was to come talk with him again Monday.


	3. Arty Breaks 'One Who Helps The Crazies'

**Hello! I sat my lazy ass down and wrote, thank you for kicking my podex into gear dear reviewer! Please favourite and review! Eat a cupcake too. Or a banana a. You know however you roll.**

**KTHXBYETHERESYURSTORIE**

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><p>Artemis sighed and walked into Dr. Scott's office three minutes late, sit ting down to see the doctor scribbling on his clipboard, not caring for the presence of the young genii.<p>

Artemis cleared his throat and sat back watching as the doctor apologized and erased a doodle.

"So Artemis. Can you list some things you have done that you are proud of?"

Artemis smiled and opened his mouth to speak carelessly, "Hmm.. I am proud of many things. I am proud of saving someone's finger in the Arcric while on a train of rather radioactive substances. I am proud of using a fish freezer as a body storage for Cryogenics. I am proud of inventing a special kind of bomb that blew a few assassins teeth out. I am proud of managing to come back after me three year absence through time and space. I am proud of my piano compositions. I am proud of hacking into the centaurs computers. I am proud of banishing Orion. I am proud of making forty-three physiologists get sent to their own hospitals, and many other feats you cannot comprehend."

did not ponder Artemis' words and instead was furiously copying and going onto the next question.

"What aren't you proud of?"

Arremis sighed. "I am not proud of letting myself almost get beaten by my younger self while in the past, trying to save a lemur. I am not proud of telling Captain Short that she gave my mother Spelltropy. I am not proud of many things doctor."

Once again Hayley was firoulsy scribbling on his clipboard.

"Artemis , please describe yourself."

Artemis scoffed. "I am a genius and a master of many things. I am the only human to ever get and beat the Arlantis Complex. I am a composer, a painter, a doctor, a scientist, and many other things. I am also, frankly, bored. May I read? Your babble is really, rather uninteresting."

"What do you enjoy to do for fun."

"I enjoy composing, hacking,watching dwarves try to pout as I forbid them from taking any of my fathers' Mexican cigars. I enjoy drawing, reading, and saving the world."

"Saving the world?"

"Yes with the help of my fairy friends I have saved the world thrice and I have cheated death four times, including the time I died after dealing away the berserkers and killing Opal Koboi. "

This time the doctor listened and scribbled down one world onto his clipboard.

_Delusional_.

Artemis said the next sentence. "Now if you will excuse me doctor I am going to be late for a vacation at the beach with my elven friend Captain Holly a short of the LEP."

Just as Hayley was about to break the news to Artemis that fairies did not exist and that his subconscious was making these people and circumstances in his memories, a figure came into the visible spectrum, looking for all the world like something that had appeared out of thin air.

It was tiny, with a jumpsuit and helmet, along with metal wing-like machines on her back.

The body of it was feminine with all the right parts and curves.

The figure was currently ssitting on Artemis Fowl the Seconds lap and took off its helmet to reveal auburn hair, slightly pointed nose, eyes like Artemis Fowls and most importantly-for the doctor at least- pointy elven ears, of which the fairy was rubbing.

"Arty! Come on! You broke him!" She said, looking at the doctor who was rubbing his eyes and gaping like a fish.

She stuck her hand out towards Hayley and said, "Captain Holly Short of the LEP. Best friend of the person I'm sitting on and former kidnappee of said person. Nice to meet you. Do my ears look okay?"

Thirty minutes later Dr. Hayley Scott was being dragged out of the school premises while yelling about fairies.

"Theyre real!" He shouted. "Real I tell you! The boy kidnapped one! I'm telling the truth! He died and svaed the world! He knows a centaur! A centaur named Foqly whined an paranoid computer genius! They all live underground! I'm serious! The boy traveled through time to save a lemur! You gotta believe me! I'm not the crazy one! I'm the one who helps the crazy ones!" He yelled as he was being restrained.

Artemis and Holly looked on at the scene calmly.

"You know, as much as this is wrong and against regulations, I gotta admit I want to see that happen again."

"Trust me Holly, it never stops being entertaining."


	4. Holly's Day Off Her Feet

Artemis was not in his study for once and instead, the young genius was eating an apple and reading ' The Full Works Of Shakespeare'.

He was sitting on a stool at a newly installed counter that his mother had instisted they should invest in.

The intelligent youth didn't partucularly care, as long as the woman wasn't buying him clothing. He shuddered at the thought of wearing the monstrosities his mother seemed drawn to like a moth to a light.

Butler walked in and not seeing the lump on his back, was getting some juice for the twins, who were experimenting in botamy. Their goal was to make a glowing pink vine that reacted to Mozart's Piano Concerto No.9.

"I am sorry to inform you so late Artemis, but the twins almost blew up the green room. Holly called three hours ago, she has a day off."

Artemis turned and cleared his throat to see Butler turn to him, and what the man saw almost made him lose his composure.

Why would the Blue Diamond bodyguard lose his composure? There was a female police elf piggybacking his principal. She was resting her head on Artemis' shoulder, asleep, and Artemis calmly said, "I believe I have found this out Butler."

"May I ask why there is an elf clinging to your back? And can't you walk Holly?" He added to the now conscious elf.

"I have had to deal with Grub and Lili all week and it's my day off."

Artemis finished for her, "So apparently, walking is more stressful science the last time I checked."

"Make me a sandwich Butler!"


	5. Arty Always Finds A Way To Be Evil

"Artemis! I can totally be evil!" Yelled Foaly, disguntled.

Holly budded in before Artemis could say anything and replied, "Says the paranoid _police_ centaur."

"She's got a point." Artemis agreed, smirking.

"Oh really? It's not like _you_ can be evil, with you being good now! And in Haven!" Retorted the still very much disgruntled Foaly, of whom waS pouting like a child and crossing his arms, looking at the human from the corner of his eye.

Artemis simply gave his vampire smile to a now shuddering and quite scared Foaly than walked away, leaving both Holly and her centaur friend to be paranoid, or at least, more so than usual.

Soon afterwards the LEP had found all their coffee had been switched to decaf. Of course, Foaly and Holly knew the culprit not only from evidence but from confession. Unfortunately, Holly couldn't hurt him as Butler was having a rather bad day being in Haven and all.

Things stayed like that for three weeks, with the fairies unable to do anything to the genius youth-for changing the the of coffee was not, in fact, a crime- and slowly getting used to the change.

After three weeks they got used to the not-so-bad decaf coffee before Artemis Fowl II switched it to the most caffeinated thing that could be used to make coffee.

Said Mud Teen was seen cackling around HQ for sometime afterwards, not to mention Foaly locking himself in his Ops Booth and sulking.


	6. Arty And Holly Go A'Pranking

**I saw someone post a funny prank picture on Instagram and I was all 'Helloooo idea. Let's abandon life for awhile and create a piece of words strung together to form a short story, shall we?'**

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><p>Foaly, Artemis, Holly, and Mulch were sitting around in the Fowl Manor living room and they were all rather bored.<p>

At one point, Holly spoke, "What's a great prank you know?" She asked, wanting a bit of a laugh And feeling bad for her can taurine friend. The poor technician had to fit himself in a pod somehow, deal with Holly, and now was thumb wrestling with himself.

Mulch spoke up first, "To make a dwarf take a bath using smelly lotions." He said gravely, shuddering at the thought, his beard hair shuddering along with him.

"When your friend gets up to go to the bathroom while you're eating, switch their ketchup with the hottest hot sauce you can get your hands on. You can also make your own concoction, make or dye it red, and replace the ketchup with that instead." Said Holly, and the other magical creatures made a hum of agreement as Artemis snorted. He disliked ketchup. He preferred cranberry sauce to that substance, at the least.

Holly was next, " You know those panels on the ceiling at work? Put a picture of a young dead elf girl like in that mud man movie up there, covering a panel. It'll give someone a heart attack."

Artemis was next. " Get some see through plastic wrap and put it over the toilet seat and wait for someone to use the washroom." He said calmly, sitting ina leather chair with his legs crossed and one limb sticking out. His head was leaning on his hand, supported by the armrest and he was staring off into space. "Also," He continued. "Buy bang snaps-which are little Mud People toys at explode when hit with force- anyways, take them and put them on the bottom of the toilet cover and wait. Take somebodies keyboard mouse, or anything small they use often, and put it In a block of Jell-O."

Holly gaped at him. "Artemis, of all the things you have ever said, that has got to be what has made me the most proud to be your friend. By the way, I'm using these at work, don't tell anyone Pony Boy. Arty you're helping me get more prank ideas. No more boredom today!"

"Holly, you do realize that I have many projects to complete."

"Mud Boy, I swear you better get your pale ass over to Haven and brainstorm something other than ways to collect gold."

"Holly-"

"Nope! No no nopittty nope no. Nada. With me."

Artemis sighed, "On one condition."

"...what?"

"You must film all pranks worth being filmed and I will stream clips of those pranked thoughout HQ."

"Deal! Two extra copies!"


	7. Holly's Dilemma

Holly just realized, she was way too short for comfort compared to Artemis and there was only one solution to this disaster.

She was walking next to Artemis, him on her left and with Butler on her other side.

The elf grinned and jumped up as far as she could and landed neatly on Butler's shoulder.

"Why, pray tell, are you sitting on Butler?" Asked Artemis coolly, looking at her with confusion.

"See Arty, you're too much taller than me, to to remedy the problem I am sitting upon a giant Eurasian mans shoulder. So ha. Check, mate. I am now taller."

"Oh Holly."


	8. Beckett's Sippy Cup

Artemis and Holly were sitting in Fowl Manor's living room, chatting about nothing when Holly's child-sized elbow hit Beckett's empty sippy cup. The Spider Man decorated sup wobbled on it's tabletop perch, precariously close to falling. "No! Stop sippy cup! Stay!" "You know Holly, yelling at the cup will not help you." "Sippy cup! I said stop! Freeze where you are!" 


	9. Fire and Ice

If you asked Angeline Fowl, or Julius Root, Domovoi Butler, or even a total stranger what Artemis and Holly looked like together the answer would always be the same.

It does not matter if they are fighting, talking, cuddling, going back in time, or any other activity together, you would gain the same answer.

Artemis Fowl the Second, with his alabaster skin tone, one _ice_ blue, one honey brown eye, matched with raven black hair that shone and somehow managed to capture the cold of an abyss. His clipped Irish accented speaking tones, usually insulting or sarcastic, and nine out of ten times giving off a mightier-than-thou attitude. His words were refined and regal, matching his cocky and confident stance, his smirk or glare enough to bring down the toughest and stoniest of men. His shoes were constantly as polished as his mind and his clothes could never be, although one might think they were, as sharp. It was no doubt that Artemis Fowl the Second was an intimidating, intelligent, regal, and staggering individual, whom, was one of the greatest strategists in history. After all, it took skill to be able to save the world when under a time limit of less then twenty four hours.

Holly Coral Short, a LEPrecon officer with unblemished nut brown skin that was envied by even Lili Frond. The female elf had a warm hazel eye and one striking blue one, both holding a huge amount of passion and_ fire, _enough to make Trouble Kelp falter. The fairy woman's pointy ears were well taken-care of and she herself was as well. No matter what situation she was in, you could tell that she cared about herself, although always willing to put others first. She gave off a aura that was a mixture of calming and intimidating at the same time, like a leader returning to his soldiers, them relieved for the protection of their great leader back, but still intimidated by his presence.

The both of them, although not expected, were remarkably close. They possessed what probably was the first strong and relatively left-alone mud man-fairy relationships in centuries.

And if you asked anyone what they looked like together, anyone at all, the answer would, inevitably come back to one answer.

The pair, together, were opposites and yet they were expected to be attached at the hip, because they were.

They were, in the simplest form of themselves, _fire and ice._


	10. Don't Do It!

**Credit for this idea goes to a post I saw in passing on Tumblr. So sorry I haven't been updating, I'm horrible, I know. The guilt is consuming. And sorry for giving you this crappy short thing as if an offering of peace. I felt like making a a quick thingie and it has ruined me. But I wont take it off };D**

Once again Artemis, Holly, Foaly, Mulch, and the Butlers were crammed into the Ops. Booth of the LEP, playing 'Questionnaire' a fairy game in which you ask one person a question and the other has to answer, no matter what. It was like a fairy version of twenty questions.

"Well... What should I ask..." Muttered Foaly, trying not to look at Mulch, said dwarf's tombstone teeth chewing at a meat sandwich the size of Chix Verbil. He perked up, "Got it! Mulch, what is something you love about the past all of us have together?"

Mulch swallowed what might have been the Chix-Sanwich's foot and spoke, "I love..." He chuckled, "How all of our adventures together are basically Foaly, Trouble, Julius, and everyone else yelling "DONT DO THE THING" and Holly, "IM DOING THE THING" then one the surface Mud Girl, Angeline, Butler, and everyone else screaming "ARTEMIS DONT DO THE THING" with Arty laughing "HAHAHA! TOO LATE! I ALREADY DID THE THING AND ALSO MADE A ELABORATE PLAN THAT WILL PROBABLY KILL ALL OF US TO FIX THE REPERCUSSIONS OF IT! And then time travel, goblin uprisings, demons, and random fish smugglers."


	11. Shrine

Artemis Fowl firmly believed that if 'School' and 'Education' had a family tree, they would be distant cousins. He had never learned anything of use in school. In fact, he didn't even learn things that wouldn't be useful to him. It was a waste of time, in his opinion. Unfortunately for Artemis, his personal opinions on his education did not matter in the slightest to his mother, Angeline Fowl.

Artemis honestly didn't know what he did to deserve it, he thought saving the world and encountering Mulch Diggums multiple times was call for rest but, alas, it seemed that in his mother's eyes, it was not to be.

And so, here he was, Saint Bartelby's School for Teenage Gentlemen and Ladies, or Bartebly High, because he apparently needed socialization with youth of his own species. Artemis also had the bad luck to get a teacher in an obvious existential crisis, and one who was also, very unpleasant too. Couldn't he have gotten a recluse?

"Males, take off your shirts! I don't want you sweatin' through 'em today, I'm in a bad mood and I don't need the stench! Therefore, if you sweat too much, you can look even more out of shape then you already are! Ha! Females, don't bother." Ordered Ms. Calin.

Artemis, though peeved, had to agree with her, most of the boys in his class were definitely out of shape. They were spoiled, and though not all of them were rotten, they did have flab. Even the best of the group only looked skinny, with a hint of muscle. /div

They were pathetic, but it was to be expected, with how they were raised. Artemis was truly grateful for Butler. Even Opal, Abbot, and all the other controlling insane people, for without all of them, he would be grouped in with the other boys. Out of the corner of his eye, Artemis saw Dennis take off his shirt and swore up and down that his arms jiggled. It seemed, that hours of running for his life, training against his will, and saving the world had finally payed him back. He sighed, might as well get it over with.

Artemis had changed from his twelve year old self, and now he had the lithe but toned body of a swimmer and what Juliet, upon seeing him getting out of the shower and reverently called a 'six pack'.

Though he was still pale, it now flattered him, adding to the aristocratic look and his hair had grown out and been styled differently. This change was, again, accompanied with a squeal of 'Hibari Kyouya! I just need to fix the bangs!'

Although he may have a few scars here and there, (From things like trolls , demons, and the Gorilla Incident) he wasn't embarrassed or anything of the sort. He was just bored. Very, truly, amazingly, close-to mind-numbingly bored.

He looked around the gym filled with all the girls looking at him with desperate hope in their eyes, and the guys looking on in with gazes already saying 'welcome to the club, we have ice-cream, video games and pathetic'

The boys' gazes abruptly changed when his shirt was taken off, and Artemis couldn't keep the smirk off his face.

The teacher's jaw dropped.

The males mourned the thought of the one thing Artemis Fowl couldn't do, athletics.

And the girls planned a shrine.

Artemis just put down his shirt and looked bored, unknowingly giving many poor females weak knees.

By the end of class, the guys were all drenched in sweat and stinking (Dennis was wheezing like a wounded animal on the floor), the girls were panting but managed to make themselves look not as tired as they were and Artemis stood there, a sheen of sweat from having to demonstrate most of the exercises they were doing because the other boys couldn't and the girls wanted to see him do them. His breathing was only slightly affected, and he was standing with a nonchalant and graceful stance perfectly in place.

The almost silent click of a camera went unnoticed.

The shrine was huge.


End file.
